I Hate Clear Liquids

K, I donno if anyone has ever been that type of thirsty you only get while being hungover and too warm, but I am very familiar with it this thirsty. The kind of thirsty that makes you stare at someone's Gatorade like it's the nicest set trampoline hopping titties that you've ever shoved your face into, tell me that shouldn't be a commercial. Or maybe, you can't even resist the drink...like ever a not-so-tasty drink so you do that "I can't help it I'm too thirsty" grab for something like old milk that's been sitting over night because you can't will yourself up or resist the terrible urge to drink? Do you ever just want a Dr. Pepper so bad it hurts? Well I know that feeling well.

Tell me my friends, have you ever gulped down something that you knew immediately was not what you were looking for? Something...Evil?

Okay so the worst period of time for drinking evil, tainted, surprising, or fucking disgusting drinks was when Colin and I were drinking ourselves to death together. On one specific morning when I woke up to a itchy face because of the cat and found the refridgerator litterly blocked because the floor was coated in unconcious Pearson and Demons. I noticed four different drinks sitting beside the bed table chose the one that looked the least like booze. I chose wrong the first time with vodka water, the second one WAS NOT coffee, but instead was dark rum and Coke, the third had ashes and papers and the fourth well...I was glad to discover that the white crusty shit was just milk residue. Still gross.


So I'm working under hot lamps, all hungover and I look over at the table and I see a water as crystal clear as melting glass so I drink it down and put it back. Two minutes later, Dale begins questioning everyone to see who drank it. At this point I start wondering what is wrong with the water. So he sensing my fear begins to laugh, and laugh, and laugh, and laugh while saying "OH MY GOD TESS, YOU DIDN'T DRINK THAT WATER....HOLY FUCK YOU DIDN'G DO IT DID YOU, OH MAN YOU DIDN'T, YOU DIDN'T" and this excruciating moment lasts like five minutes until I'm almost in tears thinking that I just drank, piss, or lube or vagina water or fucking nut sack dip water or like jism water...I really don't know what exactly I thought was wrong with it, but it was not good. So he's like "Tess okay... you deserve to know what's wrong with it...and I'm sorry you drank it, but it's...just...like three days old and that's like really gross."

So I am joyous that I didn't drink nut water so I tell everyone that and they look at me like I'm crazy for thinking like that. As if men keep a nut dipping glass beside their bed every night...I guess it doesn't really make sense for a glass of nut water to be kickin' it beside the bed, but I just assumed that a certain layer of hell would be designated to being the warm and hungover-ish layer that has nothing to drink but various versions of nutwater, penisdrink, and nut-penis flavored Sprite.

I drank very little water today but the stuff I did totally raped my mother and killed my father. I hate fucking water.

Another time god damn water or something like him was playing volleyball with me and the fucking bastard spiked it so hard it hit me in the face and broke my nose. Fucking bastard clear liquid.

I think if I hated one clear liquid the most though, it would have to be that sinister lemony ass water Sprite because I used to mix it with vodka so often that I can't even smell it. Honestly, I consumed more Sprite and vodka per week than Katrina Ellis going through her Sprite and vodka faze. Actually, she never really stopped the whole vodka faze...I don't know if she ever will.