Saturday, October 27, 2007

Fly, Umbrella Crack-Head Fly!

I have been going through a period of time that has been generally dark and rainy with a good chance of thunderstorms...So I tend to carry an umbrella, (yes both metaphorically and physically) until it’s wrenched from my hands by the cracked out fists of fate.
The other day I was walking downtown in the place I fondly call, "the crowded, annoying, windy, people-walk-into-me area" of downtown Van, and I came across a man selling a rainbow bright umbrella for five bucks. I only have three dollars and this worries me but this doesn't seem to be a problem as the man hands over my (recently-taken-from-a-five-year-old) umbrella.
"Thank god for desperate men selling bizarre stolen merchandise on the street!" I think as I walk into the beginnings of storm.

So the bastard wind picks up and I'm, of course, smoking my cigarette as the rain attempts to put out my precious fire by craftily navigating around my tiny umbrella. I rapidly decide that momentary satisfaction and eventual tumor development means more to me than beauty so I sacrifice my face to the Gods of the weather and cover my nicotine. At this point I should probably explain that minor issues that are dealt with in a calm and anger-less fashion like this make me feel like I'm learning to prioritize and problem solve like most young adults. The bad thing about these circumstances though, is that somewhere out in the vastness of space there sits a giant amorphous blob called destiny that considers me the comedic relief in his evening ritual, and so I'm cursed with behaving like a jackass in strange situations on a biweekly basis.

So the wind picks up and suddenly the umbrella blasts toward me with a large amount of dislodged flaming cigarette bits inside. I narrowly miss getting my corneas gouged by the edge of the umbrella and instead somehow simultaneously turn it inside out and attach it to my flailing rat’s nest of curls. So to cope with this annoying situations I did what I normally do in any situation that displeases me, I screamed a barrage of swear words at the umbrella and literally punched it out of my own hair (and yes, this is how I battle every enemy…be it man or be it tiny multicolored umbrella) This all wouldn't be so bad but while I was walking I collected a following of Japanese children who were loving the Rainbow Bright action until I scared them off of rainbows forever. Their parents will thank me one day, after their kids get over their fear of reading rainbow, The Wizard of Oz, and looking up after it rains.

Anways, it's at this point in my adventure that I dislodge the umbrella from my matted wet coils and begin to run full tilt to save my umbrella from the approaching fast moving traffic until my real opponent, anonymous-crazy-Tyrone-esque-umbrella-fan runs past me and snatches it like someone’s giving away two for one crack rocks at the local Crack n’ Smack and proceeds to run down the street screaming like he won the jackpot for the incredibly fast, crack-headed umbrella snatching contest.

Just to put it in perspective, the last time I ran as fast as that mother fucker was when I was chased by a crazy unchained Rottweiler that wanted to slaughter me and my younger sister when I was in fifth grade. This guy was way, WAY faster than me and to make matters worse I was still puffing on my smoke. I thought to myself you should take him down Tess and I was nearly about to follow suit when the sheer ridiculousness of the situation struck me and my "I have to sit down and cry for awhile" shrieking laughter destroyed my chance of running after the bastard, but I didn't care. I guess what it came down to was that he wanted it way more than me, and that's always something to consider when deciding whether or not to chase a strange inside-out umbrella stealing man down the nasty streets of Vancouver.

I picture this man serenading his new friend, my umbrella, to this song with a pile full of crack in his pipe.

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