Burgers For Devon

Innocent Victim of the Evil Burger Bitch.

Last night I was refused service by an evil female Burger King employee. She took my fifty dollars when I handed it to her, but came back seconds later and gave me back my money (not all of it only forty five) because apparently I was calling her names and therefore was not going to get any burgers. She wouldn't listen when I apologized. I even told her that we weren't trying to upset her, but instead of just spitting in our burgers like a normal fast food employee who has been "mistreated" she shut the window and told me she was calling the cops when I asked her for correct change.

Now I won't deny that sometimes, when I'm being a drunken asshole I deserve this kind of treatment, but this time I was not being a drunken asshole. I was a saintly. In fact, I'm not even entirely sure what she misconstrued as an insult, maybe the boisterous passengers who were yelling at each other in a drunken (but not mean spirited) manner, perhaps, but I don't know.

Anyways, although I was tempted to sit in the drive thru until justice (and burgers) were served to me in my righteous paper bag, I decided that getting a DUI because I wanted Burger King just didn't seem like something I could explain to my parents when they bailed me out of jail so I drove back to the party empty handed and extremely angry.

By the time I was in the house, I felt so cheated and wronged that I raged around, chain smoking and ranting at anyone who would listen about how shitty and inherently evil Burger King is in comparison to Mcdonalds. By the time I had finished talking about it you would have thought that I'd been raped and rendered quadralpelegic by this woman. I guess you could say I overreacted, but at the time I wouldn't have agreed with you.

Merry Christmas, Have Some Goth Shit!

I was a little bored today. I had some extra time because my family opened gifts yesterday, so I decided to surf the web for some funny Christmas images. After spending about five minutes looking through different variations of baby Jesus, Christmas Winnie the Pooh, Santa, and other incredibly unfunny things, I somehow got side tracked. Perhaps it was boredom, or maybe Santa and Satan are just too close in spelling, but either way, I stopped searching for Christmas images and started looking at things to do with gothic culture. Here are a few things I found.

I'm not sure what this means, but I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Gustav Klimt kicks ass!

Here's a link to some sort of goth girl who has a picture of what appears to be her heavily made up boyfriend with a piece of paper that says "Cut out the eyes and fuck the sockets." She's seventeen: http://vampirefreaks.com/u/Plastic-Extacy

Here's a link to a video that I found pretty hilarious. It's sort of goth/emo/poorly done something or other that makes my spelling look like it's straight from a dictionary: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9JOHIxfoHI8

Apparently, this guy is famous: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OW8pXUPN-cM

I didn't know Numa Numa was such a popular song for goth kids to lip sync: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dWPWBq-8C5M

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHB3akxDuVU

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aTz5AuRU9as

She's a kitty: http://www.comingupforair.net/images/van/heavy%20goth.jpg

The face of Satan? http://www.foogle.biz/devil/tower1.jpg

Satan was what? http://garyploski.com/wp-content/uploads/satan-was-a-lesbian-.jpg

Merry Christmas everyone.

Floor Cream

This is the wonderful and crazy Mel Stark who used to wake me up in the morning when I was tired and undoubtedly hungover to do crazy things like move furniture, chop and move lumber, make window clingers, or check out her newest garage sale find. She recently sent me the picture below and I think it's fucking hilarious.

I think this is more or less self explanatory. I eat things off the floor. Just to set the story straight, Mel looks innnocent in this photo with her nice little spatula cleaning up the mess, but she ate some too. I wasn't the only dirty floor cream eater!

Thanks for the picture Mel.

Drawings.

This is a drawing I'm doing for Devon. I think I'm probably going to keep it black and white, but use black pen or marker to color in the lines in
certain areas. For some reason it looks a little squished, and I think it's because I took her picture at a weird angle. I didn't scan any of these, but instead took pictures of them with my camera.
I like this, but it was a very tedious thing to draw. I don't even know what to do with it now.
This is going to be a full page forest with faces in rock formations and vines. I have such a hard time finishing anything though so it will be slow going on something this detailed.

Here's a drawing I've been working on every once in a while for a week or two. Since this picture was taken I have filled in the background quite a bit.

The Game

I like to play a game. It's called going for a cigerette in Northern B.C. when the weather is thirty below. To begin the game, I walk outside after coating myself with a cumbersome five layers of clothing, that make me feel like five year old in a snow suit with immobile joints. I work hard to pull on my shoes and get outside and light my cigerette. My right thumb (which I broke masturbating four years ago) goes completely numb almost instantly. After smoking about half the cigerette I realize my right hand is frozen so I switch hands and put against my stomach or in my pocket for warmth. Soon I find that my left hand has become nearly as numb as my right and my right is not warming within the depths of my pocket.

It's now that I realize that I haven't plugged in my car for the night so I head over to the car. I decide that I should pull the plastic cover off of the cord, but struggle with it, undoubtedly trying to hold the cigerette between my lips which sends smoke into my eyes. Realizing that this task will be impossible unless I have the use of my eyes and both of my uncirculated hands, I put the cigerette on whatever part of the ground seems to be the least capable of making it too wet to burn.

Now is probably a good time to mention that I have no qualms with putting my cigerette on the filthy ground. Here are my reasons for thinking this is an acceptable thing to do A.)Any and all germs that would normally be present on the dirty driveway have been killed by the terrifically cold weather, B.) Smokers are already purposely inhaling something into their lungs that will give them cancer and eventually kill them so therefore do not fear any candy ass germs that might be lurking around, and C.) It's too fucking cold to spend time thinking of a better way to solve this problem so by default this is the only option, but I digress.

The point is I spend nearly three minutes struggling with this devious little plug cover until I finally free it. I then run to the house and grab the nearest extension cord only to realize that it's the one that is not long enough to reach my car which is parked at the back of the driveway. So I pick up my still burning cigerette off the ground (so as not to waste my precious nicotine) and head back to grab the other cord which will assuredly unplug from the wall when I finally struggle to make it reach my car. After a few jogs to and from the car trying to untangle the vindictive cord which, I personally think is hell bent on making my life inconvenient, I finally succeed in getting the job done.

I run to the house, winded because I've been holding the cigerette in my mouth for half the time I've been outside, and plunge myself into the warmth of house. The only analogy I have for the feeling I have after this type of ordeal is that I feel as if I've just been assaulted and raped by the weather. It's a confusing an unpleasant feeling. So, I tear off my layers of cold coats, vests, and sweaters as if they're coated in sulfuric acid that's just about to burn through to my skin and run to the warmth of my room.

This just happened to me only moments before I wrote this post. You may think this is a pointless and trivial rant, but this happens to me upwards of twice a day depending on how often my mom or sisters moves my car and forget to plug it in again. I guess there are worse things to happen to person, but it obviously pissed me off enough to rant for this long.

Moral of the story: fuck the weather.

I took this picture a few months ago, and I really like it. I'm definitely not a photographer, but when I take pictures on my Sanyo it's fun to pretend. I'm a strong supporter of creativety.

Fried PBJ

Be good kids. Stay off the fried peanut butter, banana, and jam sandwiches or you'll end up like Elvis.

Kenny Quotes

Hanging out with Kenny Bishop can be fun, and here are a few reasons why.

"Why wouldn't those hips wanna shake that ass?"
-Kenny, to Devon, trying to make a convincing argument for her to dance when she refused because of her sore hip.

"It would suck to be a cartoon if your artist was really bad at drawing."
-Kenny commenting on a cartoon that he wasn't very pleased with.

"Hey, I'm Kenny, what's your name?"
"I'm Dee!"
"Oh...So how long have you had that name for?"
-Kenny and Dee after they had met over eight hours earlier.

"So...uh...(unnecessarily long pause) how many friends do ya got! I've got like at least fifty."
-Kenny possibly searching for something to say after forgetting what the original point of his statement was.

"What ever you're about to do, don't ever do it again."
-Kenny, no valid explanation.

"Talk to the left cause you ain't right."
-Kenny, imitating a large soul sister.

"What the fuck is with those fucking things anyways. They don't even have hooves. Where are all the boy ponies? They aren't even fully mature. They're basically just little lesbian fucking amputee ponies with shitty hair!"
-Kenny commenting on the numerous issues he had with the new "My Little Ponies" show.

"I want to remove their snouts. Sometimes I think that about dogs too."
-Kenny, talking about the "lesbian amputee ponies."

"That doesn't even make sense!"
-Kenny.

Written in the White Rabbit.

*This post was edited by me, but written by my good friend Devon. It was written while watching the documentary "Jesus Camp."

The human race is but a virus. People can't accept the fact that the lives they live are pointless. Humans can't just exist, they need something to fall back on. They need something to explain their unexplainable existence. We're scared by the things we can't understand, things that have no definite answer. So frightened by the unknown, to replace the confusion we've created a "God," a belief that a higher power is responsible for death, poverty, and disease. Something that explains our self destructive tendencies.

Personally, I say "God" is created out of guilt and fear. The thought that humans are the cause of their own downfall and eventual extinction is too much to face. So people created religion as a sanctuary from their own lonely reality.

-Devon

God-Like Powers?

I participated in a chaotist religious ceremony for my Comparative Religions course. I sat on the ground in front of a pentagram that turned out looking just like a star of David because Eric can't draw. Anyways, the "pentagram" had a number of differently colored candles on it and Jason (our guide in this chaotist ceremony) exaplained that I should try to mentally grow roots into the ground to draw energy out in an attempt to change the weather. Little did I know that this would turn out to be a success on my part.

So the next day I woke up a little tired and kinda hungover because I got in at about four am after Sergs and a house party. My techno was playing at an obnoxiously loud volume and I was inside a nest of comforters and pillows. This should sound familiar because I've posted this before (see "Nesting" post.) Anyways, I get a call from Devon who watched the whole ceremony happened and knows that the weather I wanted was golf ball sized hail. She tells me to go outside.

It wasn't golf ball sized my friends, but there was hail falling from the skies. I bet Jason was pissed because he was hoping for negative twenty degrees.

Nesting.

I woke up today curled up in a tiny coil surrounded by a nest of comforters, pillows, and remotes. My techno cd was playing loudly enough to be heard from the front door, and a couple of my lights were on. Talis, who was still awake and semi-coherent when I came in around 3 am, didn't seem to mind the obnoxiously loud music as she lay in pain on her bed, but she did insist that I grab her some extremely cold water in two differently sized cups and some pills to ease her pain. To be honest I'm feeling extremely good right now, but I have a feeling that today is going to be a total write-off.

Pictures Coming

Last weekend was an intense experience. So this week I've decided that I need to make myself a to do list. At the very top of it is staying in most of this coming weekend and letting myself mellow out. Another thing I will try to accomplish this week is to post some of my ridiculous drawings just so anyone who is fool enough to like anything I create can have something to look at. I hope that by posting this I will have more of an incentive to actually get things done.



On an unrelated note, I want everyone to know that good things are coming. For the first time on t.v. I just saw a preview for Darren Aronofsky's new movie The Fountain.

Well.

Most days I park in the parking lot and by the time class is over I have no idea where my car is. Today, just for a change, I knew exactly where it was, but it genuinely wasn't there. I was towed.

Gotta go call the car lot.

Do I Put the Whore in Horror? I Guess We'll See.

My costumes have been picked out and purchased and they are quite possibly the most generic ones I can think of. I have an angel and a schoolgirl outfit for a few different nights and both are equally revealing. I was worried for awhile the I wouldn't be able to find white shoes for the angel costume-the only white ones I own are covered in droplets of fake blood from last year's costume-but to be honest I don't think that anyone will even notice anything near me that's below ass level. In retrospect, the thing that really should've concerned me is whether I can pull of looking pure and angelic for an entire night. I guess I could always rip off my halo and tell people I'm a seagull... hmm.

So by wearing these costumes it probably makes me one of the girly Halloween cliches that everyone inevitably sees tramping up the bars and raves on All Hallows Eve. You know the type, wearing nothing but a parrot on her shoulder and a black string bikini with skulls on it trying to say she's a pirate. I know in my heart that I will be nearly on par with said pirate, but to be perfectly honest I can't care enough to keep myself modestly clothed.

I think that having an excuse to wear outfits that normally would only be worn in the privacy of someones bedroom is something that's fun every once in awhile. You essentially get to put on a different outfit and, if you want to, a different persona then go out playing adult dress-up while getting royally hosed and doped up all night. I mean alot of us liked to wear our mom's clothes and makeup when we were small and this is essentially the same thing only often rated R instead of G.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE.

YouTube is Fun.

So cool.

Cats.

I seriously just came in my pants.

Anyone who knows of the whereabouts of The Death of Salvador or that killer beat in the trailer please contact me immediately.

This is too fucking weird for me.

Admit Defeat, Live in Decline.

I think that I may be going through some sort of bipolar high because I'm in an uncharacteristically good mood right now.

I was rummaging a few weeks ago and I found a camera I assumed was my moms. I got the film back today and guess what's on it. None other than the red van, the interior smokey and full. A picture of Devon in the front seat beaming and the back of Brandon's head. We were young. I'm not sure if that means in age or in nature, probably both. It made my day even though, as usual, there were several pictures of me looking like my usual train wreck picture self. It's cool to look back on the days of Skellington and seagulls.

Tess Proves She is Not a Photographer....yet

So I finally entered some of my pictures from a disk onto my computer, and some of them could be considered my first struggling attempts at "real" photography. In some of them it's pretty obvious that I've just discovered the effect that night mode has on the light sources, and some others are black and whites of my sister before prom. A few are just taken in and around my dad's house because it's a really beautiful place.

If you want to take a look here's the link, and feel free to comment on how bad or good (yeah right) you think some of them are.

P.s. They're up on my old blog. You can probably find your way there, considering I have a link to it on the right, without the help of my link above.

On a quest to find a costume, but it's sort of silly to bother with because I'm more or less being a different variation of what every other girl is going as: a whore. Yep, I'm sorry ladies, but what the fuck is with the lack of coverage on the costumes. I mean I'm not going to be one to talk, because I will probably end up being the most clantily clad of them all, but why does a slutty nun costume even exist. It's a total oxymoron.

Nevertheless, I need some help decided on the costume so I'll leave the link to one of the sites I'm looking at. Can't wait for the input for all four of the readers of my blog. Halloween Costumes.

Stupidity Chronicles Part Two or Maybe Three: Naomi Wants To Tear Off Tess' Arms and Beat Her To Death With Them.

This is an actual recent msn conversation that I had. It has been edited down from the saved version for length and quality, but I haven't changed any of the actual words or meaning.

Anonymous says:
im sik
Tess says:
Being sik suks
Anonymous says:
yea
Anonymous says:
so u been studying alot lately
Anonymous says:
gettin lots of information into ur brain
Tess says:
No
... (For those of you who aren't so quick, the dots mean a boring or unimportant lapse in the conversation has just happened.)

Anonymous says:
o yea
Anonymous says:
did i tell u im going out with jessica rollison
Tess says:
That's cool. I don't know her very well anymore, but she always seemed very nice
Anonymous says:
yea
Anonymous says:
so pretty much i guess because im such a model student im going to be rich when i grow up hey
Anonymous says:
wat are u going to be wen u grow up
Tess says:
Yes, I'm sure you'll be incredibly successful.
Tess says:
Probably an alcoholic graphic designer
Tess says:
ll get fired from most of my jobs and travel around like a nomad
Anonymous says:
sweet
Anonymous says:
do u ever think about stuff like wat kind of house u want and car to drive and stuff when u get older
Anonymous says:
where ur gonna live
Anonymous says:
i do cuz im so sik of being an overachieving
Tess says:
I dream of owning a bar one day.
Tess says:
I'm sure you could fix your problem of being "the overachieving student" by starting up an addiction or drinking three nights a week
Tess says:
That would be a refreshing change would it not?
Anonymous says:
no...i like being the way i am
Tess says:
...I see, How contradictory of you.
Anonymous says:
some peopel look up to me
Anonymous says:
some people ridicule me
Anonymous says:
i learned that jesus christ and hitler are charismatic
Tess says:
Jesus may or may not have existed, but I can vouche for that Hitler comment
Tess says:
When he was alive he could charm the pants off of me and I'm a Jew he could just violetnly force the pants off of me, but he doesn't even need to.
Anonymous says:
haha o yea
Anonymous says:
do u think im religious?

... (Break in conversation I lost interest and made a turkey sandwich.)

Tess says:
You don't believe in God
Anonymous says:
no
Anonymous says:
im not saying that u don't have to believe in god
Anonymous says:
im just saying thats what im saying
Tess says:
I'm not saying that I make sense
Tess says:
I don't know why you'd think that my joke about having sex with Hitler would mean that I think you're religious
Anonymous says:
no that was from another conversation with you

....Lapse in conversation.

NAOMI YOU ARE GOING TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE.

Tess says:
So do you know Naomi ?
Anonymous says:
umm the bass player from like the dptodd bands
Tess says:
Yeah the foxy red head
Anonymous says:
like in highsckool
Anonymous says:
yea
Tess says:
Yup that's her
Anonymous says:
i know her
Anonymous says:
what about her
Tess says:
She has a huge crush on you
Anonymous says:
haha i haven't seen her in like 3 years
Anonymous says:
why would anyone have a crush on me
Tess says:
Um I donno, but she used to and she saw you at the University when she was playing with Josh Sandu
Anonymous says:
playing what
Tess says:
...
Tess:
Playing music.
Anonymous says:
when did this happen?
Anonymous says:
why haven't i seen anyone playing music at the university then
Tess says:
Well they don't do it often
Anonymous says:
like in september ?
Tess says:
I'm not sure
Tess says:
It might have been more recently
Anonymous says:
really
Anonymous says:
well then u must be thinking of the wrong dsutin
Tess says:
Not possible, she totally likes you. It's kind of funny for me
Anonymous says:
hmm
Tess says:
She has a thing for body builders.
Tess says:
Naomi does
Tess says:
Real macho men
Anonymous says:
haha
Anonymous says:
to bad for me i have a grilfriend now
Tess says:
Yeah too bad.

....Lapse in conversation

It is imperative that Devon Gray and Brandon Brown read this Section.

Anonymous says:
who do u like
Tess says:
Devon
Tess says:
and Brandon
Anonymous says:
devon who
Anonymous says:
haha
Tess says:
Gray
Tess says:
but she's my best friend and I don't want to ruin things with her
Anonymous says:
u like two guys
Anonymous says:
oooooooooo rite u want to go out with a girl
Tess says:
Yep
Tess says:
I'm thinking about asking them for a threesome because they used to go out and he's coming into town, but I think they'd definitely say no.
Anonymous says:
yuor lying you dont like a gril.
Tess says:
Why would I lie about something like that?
Anonymous says:
because im Anonymous.
Anonymous says:
and id believe u cuz i don't really know u
Tess says:
Well it's not that unbelievable this is 2006 and there are bisexuals in town
Anonymous says:
watever
Tess says:
I happen to be one of them, but my friend Devon doesn't like girls at all so it's pretty awkward
Tess says: She always shuts down my advances.
Anonymous says:
okay...well then we should change the subject becasue i happen to like girls becasue there wikid and girls should like buff guys
Anonymous says:
and thats that

...He tries to change the subject to his girlfriend. He isn't successful

Tess says:
You don't like gay people?
Anonymous says:
i never said that
Anonymous says:
i don't know any gay people
Anonymous says:
so i wouldn't knwo
Anonymous says:
i know babes are hot so why wouldn't i like them
Anonymous says:
but there all i like

... Lag

Tess says:
What class?
Anonymous says:
political science
Tess says:
Who cares those classrooms are filled with about 98% assholes.
Anonymous says:
i dunno why im in it...im definately not a political scientist thats for sure
Tess says:
No you are not.

...Lapse....

Anonymous says:
i don't want to make jes sick tho
Anonymoussays:
on the other hand she smells good, shes super nice, and super hot
Anonymous says:
so what to do
Tess says:
You could put a condom on your togue
Anonymous says:
im pretty sure that woldn't accomplish a lot tho
Tess says:
You should probably use the mint sensations.
Anonymous says:
o yea
Anonymous says:
if u were a girl and ur bf made u sick would u not like him
Anonymous says:
would u be mad at him
Tess says:
I'd be pissed.
Anonymous says:
ye
Anonymous says:
a
Tess says:
If it were like Hepatitis
...
Yakkity Yak, you get the point.